Delusional Dysfuntional Days of Dunk

This is actual correspondence between a mother and adult daughter. Only the names have been changed to maintain relative anonymity.

December 1, 2012

Mom,

Thank you for the call. It's nice to know that you've been thinking about me. I've thought about you a lot over the last nine months, but I can't just pretend that everything is fine. As a mom, I put my kids first, and I'm grateful that G was too young to understand the disappointment of his grandmother who lives 15 minutes away choosing not to celebrate his second birthday with him. Not to mention the other grandson who has never met or heard of his Bubbie in his almost 7 months of life.

I understand that your feelings were hurt while everyone was getting ready for S's wedding, but I don't think that the reaction was appropriate. You told me the night before G's party that you probably weren't coming because of a deadline. You also told me that you couldn't come over that night because you had a date with M. I would have put my grandson's birthday before a date, but that's me. Then the next day when A asked me about G's party and I told her you didn't show up, she called you. You told her you were in the hospital and that's why you didn't go to the party. Again, I can't tell you how grateful I am that G wasn't old enough to be upset by you not showing up, but I had a quite a time explaining to people (like my in-laws who drove 3 hours to be there) why you weren't at the party.

From what I understand, the day you were at the hospital you were told you couldn't travel, so you canceled your tickets to Costa Rica. I also heard that S was blamed for whatever illness you had. I don't understand the reasoning behind placing blame on one's own children for illness, or anything negative for that matter. Life is hard enough without a parent, someone who is supposed to love and protect you unconditionally, trying to make you feel bad. So first you missed G 's birthday, then you missed S's wedding.

Since then, S had to have an emergency appendectomy and was in the hospital for two days and I had a baby -- your third grandchild. B had a rough delivery and had to stay in the hospital an extra day after I'd been discharged, but you weren't there for any of those events either. I'm glad that you wanted to call us all on Thanksgiving, but any of these other important events in our lives would have warranted a call as well.

I've come to terms with what to expect from you over the last 10 years, but I don't want my kids to have to understand "that's just Bubbie." I want to protect my kids from being hurt and disappointed, especially by their family. I do love you and I'm grateful for so many things you've given me over my life (my love of literature, my appreciation of the arts, support and comfort, etc), but until these larger issues can be resolved, I'm not going to just let you back into my life and pretend like nothing ever happened. My kids and their innocence and happiness is way too important to me.

Love,

V

Response:

December 3, 2012

V-- I love you and will always be there when needed.
I have changed and continuing to change for the better.
I suffer nightmares and shame everyday.
My children do not know me.
My grandchildren do not know me.
My children know a version of me
they were told when they were young.
That I was crazy, stupid, selfish, a cheat.
So many students love me
but my own children don't see that.
I feel like I cannot be myself when I am with my children.
I am told to "act."
I like myself.
I am honest, truthful, giving, and kind.
Why do my children not like me?
I never spanked you.
I took you to the doctor.
I healed you when you were ill, had a fever.
I became involved in the schools
to make sure you were safe.
However, I could not keep you safe.
That nearly killed me.
I recover from my shame.
Yet I still have nightmares
and my children do not know me.
But I will always love you.
And I will always be there when you call,
unless I am sick,
which, these days, I am.
 

Tropical Drinks vs Tropical Fruit Tums

Today is my little sister's wedding day. Nine + months ago, my husband and I bought tickets to fly to Costa Rica for the wedding. We were even feeling brave enough to bring our two-year-old son for a week's stay in the developing nation. A month or so after we booked our exotic vacation, we found out we were expecting another little one. I'm embarrassed to say that one of my first reactions was disappointment at the change in our vacation plans. It would no longer be a fun-filled, imbibing, bikini-clad adventure. It would be a giant pregnant woman with back pain and swollen feet feeling weighed down by the heat and trying to entertain a toddler in a new place while also trying to help my sister with her wedding. But -- we were still going to go. And I was still going to try to rock a bikini, but I really didn't want to be the fat one in my sister's wedding photos.

A couple of months ago, I thought I'd mention the trip to my OB to see what he thought. His reaction completely changed my mind. He told Austin and me that the chances of something happening with the pregnancy while we were there were slim, but if anything did happen, we'd be hours away from a hospital and the hospitals there aren't equipped to deal with emergency premature deliveries. Basically, the baby wouldn't make it. He also warned us about the possibilities of getting listeriosis in Central America. It can be on fruit, not to mention the usual culprits of dairy and meat. Best case scenario I would have a very bad GI reaction. Worst case could be heart defects in the baby or a still birth. And I didn't come this far to have something happen to my little guy now.

Needless to say, we cancelled our plane tickets -- we somehow had the forethought to buy trip insurance though we never had before in our lives -- so not much was lost. . . except being at my little sister's wedding. 

Anyway, as I was Skyping with my sisters who were having a blast and drinking in the middle of the day, I had a twinge of jealousy.Not just a twinge, an overwhelming feeling. I wanted to be there having fun, getting free drinks from the bartenders, staying out late and wearing nothing but a bikini all day. As they sipped their daiquiris, I was popping tropical fruit-flavored Tums for my nightmare heartburn that I now get after consuming anything at all. Didn't seem fair. I thought about it some more after their computer battery died and I was back to my regular life -- entertaining a 2-year-old and sharing tasks with my husband. I think I have the better end of the deal, or at least I wouldn't trade it. There will always be time for fun and goofing off. I have the literally awesome job of bringing a perfect little life into this world. I am growing a human, someone that everyone in my house will love unconditionally for the rest of our lives. A little guy who will bring us more joy (and pain) than any long weekend in Costa Rica ever could. Even with the back pain, heartburn, swollen feet, aching pelvis, etc., I wouldn't trade it for anything. Of course I'm still sad that I missed my sister's wedding, but there'll be more milestones to witness -- like when she has a baby. And I do plan to be around for those.

So congratulations to my little sister, Sara. I'm so happy for her. And congratulations to my older sister Angie who was able to make it over for the wedding and have some fun, though she had to leave her little guy behind for a few days. And congratulations to me for being able to see the big picture and cherish my second son, even for all the difficulties carrying him has brought. I love you, Baby Becks, and would do it all over again for you.