This is actual correspondence between a mother and adult daughter. Only the names have been changed to maintain relative anonymity.
December 1, 2012
Mom,
Thank you for the call. It's nice to know that you've been
thinking about me. I've thought about you a lot over the last nine
months, but I can't just pretend that everything is fine. As a mom, I
put my kids first, and I'm grateful that G was too young to
understand the disappointment of his grandmother who lives 15 minutes
away choosing not to celebrate his second birthday with him. Not to
mention the other grandson who has never met or heard of his Bubbie in
his almost 7 months of life.
I understand that your feelings were hurt while everyone was getting
ready for S's wedding, but I don't think that the reaction was
appropriate. You told me the night before G's party that you
probably weren't coming because of a deadline. You also told me that you
couldn't come over that night because you had a date with M. I
would have put my grandson's birthday before a date, but that's me. Then
the next day when A asked me about G's party and I told her
you didn't show up, she called you. You told her you were in the
hospital and that's why you didn't go to the party. Again, I can't tell
you how grateful I am that G wasn't old enough to be upset by you
not showing up, but I had a quite a time explaining to people (like my
in-laws who drove 3 hours to be there) why you weren't at the party.
From what I understand, the day you were at the hospital you were
told you couldn't travel, so you canceled your tickets to Costa Rica. I
also heard that S was blamed for whatever illness you had. I don't
understand the reasoning behind placing blame on one's own children for
illness, or anything negative for that matter. Life is hard enough
without a parent, someone who is supposed to love and protect you
unconditionally, trying to make you feel bad. So first you missed G 's birthday, then you missed S's wedding.
Since then, S had to have an emergency appendectomy and was in
the hospital for two days and I had a baby -- your third grandchild. B had a rough delivery and had to stay in the hospital an extra
day after I'd been discharged, but you weren't there for any of those
events either. I'm glad that you wanted to call us all on Thanksgiving,
but any of these other important events in our lives would have
warranted a call as well.
I've come to terms with what to expect from you over the last 10
years, but I don't want my kids to have to understand "that's just
Bubbie." I want to protect my kids from being hurt and disappointed,
especially by their family. I do love you and I'm grateful for so many
things you've given me over my life (my love of literature, my
appreciation of the arts, support and comfort, etc), but until these
larger issues can be resolved, I'm not going to just let you back into
my life and pretend like nothing ever happened. My kids and their
innocence and happiness is way too important to me.
Love,
V
Response:
December 3, 2012
V-- I love you and will always be there when needed.
I have changed and continuing to change for the better.
I suffer nightmares and shame everyday.
My children do not know me.
My grandchildren do not know me.
My children know a version of me
they were told when they were young.
That I was crazy, stupid, selfish, a cheat.
So many students love me
but my own children don't see that.
I feel like I cannot be myself when I am with my children.
I am told to "act."
I like myself.
I am honest, truthful, giving, and kind.
Why do my children not like me?
I never spanked you.
I took you to the doctor.
I healed you when you were ill, had a fever.
I became involved in the schools
to make sure you were safe.
However, I could not keep you safe.
That nearly killed me.
I recover from my shame.
Yet I still have nightmares
and my children do not know me.
But I will always love you.
And I will always be there when you call,
unless I am sick,
which, these days, I am.
