Draft started 05/02/2012 (still a work in progress)
Most decisions are difficult when you're a parent. Two days ago Austin and I made a decision that made something intangible tangible. A decision that two years ago I would not have made, and would probably have judged harshly anyone who did. We are inducing. We picked the day our second son would be born. It was a matter of convenience, but also a matter of keeping things as normal and scheduled for our older son as we could. Fortunately that day also coincided with my OB's schedule. Tomorrow, May 3, 2012, will be Beckham's birthday.
Having made something definite that has been indefinite since the dawn of time feels a little like playing God, and it's had an unforeseeable impact on me already. Today, the day before my second son is born, has been steeped in emotion. As we pulled into Grayson's school parking lot, I saw my first born in the rearview mirror. His innocent face taking in his surroundings, his green eyes watching the big kids play on the playground. He had no idea that today was his last day as an only child. His last day as Mama's one and only little angel. As I unbuckled him from his car seat, I felt the stuffiness in my nose and the warmth in my eyes before my vision was blurred with tears. He looked over at me and gave me his sweetly sly smile and for once didn't refuse my kiss. I grunted, as I can't help but do these days, when I lifted him from the seat, but then held him close while precariously maintaining my balance as I got out of the back seat of the car, hefting his 27lbs and my extra 55lbs. I tried to keep my cool as I waddled up to the building, my 26-month-old son clinging to me.
I held that boy tight to me as I signed him in and carried him to his classroom: the Big Bee room. The tiny toddlers were all out on the playground, as they usually were at that time. I wiped my puffy face with the back of my swollen hand then pushed open the door to the playground. I tried to let Grayson down, but I couldn't. I held him tighter. He rested his blond head on my shoulder and squeezed me back -- telling me in his toddler way that it was okay. It would all be okay. Fat tears couldn't be stopped and began soaking Grayson's little shoulder. I didn't want him to know mama was sad, but it couldn't be helped. His teachers began crowding around -- all of them understanding the hormonal fluctuations in pregnancy and their impact on emotions. None of them knowing that I was having Beckham the next morning and this was the last time I'd be dropping Grayson off as an only child. I was too ashamed to tell people about the induction. Was it vain and selfish to induce at 39 1/2 weeks? Part of me thought so.
After several minutes, I released my boy, my first born angel. I smiled through what I could feel was a red, tear-streaked face and pink, snotty nose and told him that I loved him. Knowing I had to leave before I upset him propelled me out of there -- albeit at the pace of a distracted toddler.
I saw my friend Meghann as I was filling in Grayson's daily report sheet, and I nearly collapsed into sobs. She was one of the very few people who knew we were inducing. She knew it was my last day. Grayson's last day. She hugged me. Miss Jackie, one of Grayson's teachers, also came in and hugged me. Was I insane? Being so upset over the prospect of dividing my time between two boys -- not to mention a husband, two houses, a full-time job -- seemed a little absurd in my logical brain. In my emotional brain, I felt like Grayson was being robbed of my attention and it would hurt his psyche, scar his precious little mind. And Beckham would never be blessed with the opportunity of having mama all to himself. It just didn't seem fair to anyone. How do people have more than one child? And knowing that second child would be there in 24 hours (give or take) was overwhelming.
The benefit of knowing when your child will be born is being able to prepare as much as possible in advance. I made sure Grayson had several outfits picked out, I made sure my hospital bag was packed with my own clothes and clothes for baby Beckham. Since this is my second time around, I know not to over-pack. The hospital will have almost everything Beckham and I need. I don't bring soothing lotions, playing cards, books, or anything like that. My time will consist of labor, delivery, nursing my brand new baby boy, and sleeping whenever possible. The only extraneous items I'll need are my phone and charger.
I also get the benefit of wrapping up all loose ends at work. I haven't told anyone that I'm inducing -- again for fear of being judged, mostly because I am judging myself harshly for making the choice to evict my baby a couple days early. It's been a long, painful, and difficult pregnancy. So I make sure my 7-page instruction manual filled with "what if" scenarios and necessary actions is complete and ready to send off to my counterpart, support staff, and supervisor. I make sure all outstanding jobs are in a reasonable state for someone to take over the next day.
I'm emotional and distracted all day, this day before my life changes exponentially. Again.
I spend the my last night as a mommy of one sharing my bed with Grayson. I wake up the day of nervous, excited, sad, and relieved. . . and still guilty. We struggle to get out the door on time -- such an issue with a toddler, and I know it'll be worse with two kids. I start worrying about how I'll ever get to work on time in the future.
